I’ve been thinking about how much we can learn about ourselves and other people through dating. Sometimes it doesn’t even take more than one date.
I’ve tried dating apps here and there, and although I’ve received plenty of likes and messages, I’m pretty selective about who I actually agree to meet.
Earlier this year, I finally decided to meet someone.
We hadn’t chatted very much beforehand, but that didn’t bother me. Personally, I don’t see the point of spending days or weeks messaging someone when you still don’t know whether you’ll enjoy their company in person.
I’d seen his pictures, knew a little about him, and he seemed interesting enough. So when he asked me out to eat, I agreed.
To his credit, he initially asked if there was somewhere in particular I’d like to go and what time worked for me.
But before I could even settle on a time, he’d already gone ahead and made plans.
I actually liked that. I thought he was taking initiative, and I even complimented him for it.
As it turned out, that wasn’t quite how the rest of the date would go.
My First Date of the Year
We agreed to meet at Popovers because he particularly wanted one of their popovers.
I’d had them before and wasn’t really a fan, but I didn’t mind meeting there.
I arrived first and ordered myself a lemonade because I’d already had my coffee for the day.
When he arrived, he suggested we each get a popover. I told him I didn’t really want one, but he ordered two anyway and said he’d eat mine if I didn’t finish it.
I tried a little of mine, mostly to see if I might like it better this time.
Nope.
It wasn’t even warm or particularly fresh.
Well, he finished his and then finished mine.
At least somebody enjoyed them.
Not a big deal, but looking back, it was the first of several things I started noticing.
About half an hour into our date, he suddenly announced that he needed to move his car.
As far as I could tell, his car was perfectly fine where it was. I couldn’t understand why he needed to move it.
Then he asked if I wanted to get in and go with him.
Absolutely not.
I’d only known this man for about 30 minutes. I wasn’t about to get into a stranger’s car.
Maybe he had a perfectly legitimate reason for moving it. I have no idea. But something about the situation seemed a little fishy to me.
I wasn’t comfortable going with him, so I declined.
Another unexpected part of the date was that he’d brought beer with him. He had a couple in his car and brought one out with a paper cup. We ended up sharing it while sitting outside and chatting.
That wasn’t quite what I’d expected when I agreed to meet someone at a bakery, but okay.
Eventually, I needed to find a restroom, and he mentioned that he was getting hungry. He suggested we go somewhere else to eat.
He originally suggested Jumpin’ Jay’s Fish Cafe, but then changed his mind and decided we’d go to Moxy, a cozy restaurant that specializes in small plates.
Once again, he made the decision, and I went along with it.
When we arrived, he ordered one dish for us to share.
We each had a glass of wine, but I was still hungry. I told him I wanted something else to eat, and I wouldn’t have minded paying for it myself.
He told me no, we weren’t ordering any more food.
Imagine being on a date and having someone else decide whether you’re done eating.
By this point, I was starting to recognize a pattern.
And it wasn’t just about the food.
During our conversations, he also spent time speaking negatively about the mother of his children.
Now, I understand that relationships don’t always end on good terms. People have their differences, and there’s usually more to a story than what we’re hearing from one person.
But I don’t particularly care to hear someone speak badly about a former partner, especially the parent of their children, when we’re just getting to know each other.
That was another red flag for me.
Then there was the physical affection.
He wanted to hold my hand and tried to kiss me at the restaurant. He made another attempt to kiss me later, too.
I wasn’t interested.
Yet when he wanted to hold my hand, I actually went along with it briefly before finding a reason to pull away.
Looking back, I wondered why I didn’t just tell him I wasn’t comfortable.
I think I was trying to be polite. I didn’t want to make things awkward, and since it was my first date in quite some time, perhaps I was giving the experience more room than I normally would have.
Eventually, I was ready to go home.
I wouldn’t say I felt threatened by this man. I simply wasn’t enjoying the date and knew I wasn’t interested in seeing him again.
But afterward, I found myself thinking about some of the things that had happened, including my own reactions.
And I realized I’d actually learned quite a bit.
Initiative or Control?
What stood out to me afterward was how I’d interpreted his behavior in the beginning.
When he made the arrangements, I thought it was a good sign. I appreciated a man who could take initiative and make plans.
But as the date continued, I realized how little input I actually had.
He chose Popovers because he wanted a popover. He ordered something I’d already said I didn’t want. He changed our dinner plans, ordered our food, and even decided we weren’t getting anything else when I was still hungry.
Individually, some of those things might not mean much.
But together, they gave me a pretty good idea of how the date was going.
It seemed to be more about what he wanted than what we might both enjoy.
And that’s when I started thinking about the difference between taking initiative and taking control.
I appreciate someone who can make plans. I also appreciate someone who considers my opinion.
The two aren’t mutually exclusive.
A man can be confident and decisive without making every decision for the person he’s with.
And while I wouldn’t automatically label someone controlling based on one date, I certainly didn’t like the pattern I was seeing.
What I found interesting was that I’d initially seen his behavior as something positive.
I even complimented him for it.
It reminded me that first impressions aren’t always what they seem. Sometimes a quality we initially appreciate about someone looks quite different once we spend more time with them.
Learning to Set Boundaries
Perhaps the more important lesson from that date was something I recognized about myself.
I had no problem setting a boundary when he asked me to get into his car.
I’d only known him for half an hour, and I wasn’t comfortable getting into a stranger’s vehicle.
That was a boundary I had no trouble maintaining.
Yet when he wanted to hold my hand, I hesitated.
I didn’t want to hold his hand, but instead of saying so, I briefly went along with it and found a reason to pull away.
Looking back, I started thinking about why I reacted that way.
I grew up in a big family, and personal space wasn’t something I had much of. Even after I got married, I wasn’t really accustomed to having much space of my own.
And in my past relationships, physical affection was often something that just happened. My partners would reach for me or touch me without necessarily asking first, and I’d become accustomed to that.
It was simply something I had gotten used to over the years, without giving much thought to my own preferences.
So when this man wanted to hold my hand, I think part of me responded the way I always had. I went along with it, even though I wasn’t interested.
And of course, I was also trying to be polite. I didn’t want to make things awkward.
What I found interesting was that I could be firm about my personal safety, yet I was more accommodating when it came to physical affection.
It made me realize that boundaries aren’t just about protecting ourselves from potentially dangerous situations. They’re also about respecting our own feelings, preferences, and personal space.
Just because I’m accustomed to something doesn’t necessarily mean I’m comfortable with it.
And just because someone wants to show me affection doesn’t mean I have to accept it.
I can enjoy someone’s company without wanting physical contact. I can be considerate of someone’s feelings without disregarding my own.
There’s nothing wrong with communicating what I’m comfortable with, even if the other person doesn’t particularly like my answer.
I think that’s something I’m learning to become more comfortable with at this stage of my life.
For much of my life, having personal space wasn’t something I gave much thought to. Now I’m realizing how important it is to recognize my own boundaries and be willing to express them.
Dating Apps and Personal Safety
There’s another part of this experience that I think is worth discussing, especially when it comes to online dating.
When we meet someone through a dating app, we’re essentially agreeing to spend time with a stranger.
We might have exchanged messages, seen their photographs, and learned a little about their work or personal life.
But how much do we really know about them?
That’s one reason I prefer keeping first dates relatively simple.
Meeting somewhere public, arranging my own transportation, and having the freedom to leave whenever I’m ready makes sense to me.
I don’t need to visit someone’s home or get into their car to decide whether I enjoy their company.
I also think it’s wise to let someone you trust know where you’re going and who you’re meeting.
I’ve been fortunate that my experiences with online dating haven’t involved anything seriously frightening, and I like to think being selective about whom I meet has helped.
But I also recognize that being selective doesn’t guarantee anything.
Even people who take precautions can encounter someone who behaves inappropriately or causes harm. And when that happens, the responsibility belongs to the person who causes the harm.
We can’t always know someone’s intentions, no matter how careful we are.
But we can take reasonable precautions and give ourselves permission to say no when something doesn’t feel right.
I’m not interested in approaching dating with fear or assuming everyone has bad intentions.
I still enjoy meeting people, and I believe there are plenty of decent men out there.
I just think it’s important to remember that trust develops over time.
A few pleasant conversations on a dating app aren’t enough to tell us everything about someone.
And sometimes meeting in person gives us an entirely different impression.
What I Took Away From It
As disappointing as that first date was, I wouldn’t call it a complete waste of time.
Actually, it gave me quite a bit to work with for the dates that followed.
I learned that I appreciate a man who takes initiative, but I also want someone who considers my preferences.
I pay attention to how someone speaks about people from their past, particularly former partners.
I appreciate someone who can have a conversation without making everything about himself.
And I learned that I needed to be a little more comfortable maintaining my own boundaries, even when doing so might make a situation awkward.
But there’s something else I’ve come to appreciate about dating.
We’re not just dating to find out whether someone likes us. We’re also discovering whether we actually like them.
Someone can find me attractive, want to spend time with me, and be interested in seeing me again.
That doesn’t automatically mean we’re compatible.
And just because a date doesn’t turn into something romantic doesn’t mean the experience had no value.
Sometimes we learn what we don’t particularly care for. Sometimes we recognize qualities we appreciate. And sometimes we discover something about ourselves that we hadn’t given much thought to before.
That’s part of what makes dating interesting to me.
I went into that first date thinking I was meeting a man who knew how to take initiative.
I left with a better understanding of the difference between taking initiative and taking over, along with a few things I wanted to approach differently myself.
Not every date has to lead to a relationship. Sometimes the experience itself is enough to teach us something.
And this one certainly did. Because in my subsequent matches, I believed I made better choices despite still not coming out of it with a relationship.
Have you ever gone on a date where something you initially liked about someone turned out to be the very thing that made you lose interest? Or found yourself going along with something simply because you didn’t want to seem rude?
I’d love to hear what your dating experiences have taught you.
