Looking for Love: The Trouble with the Nice Guy

I've always been curious about the phrase "nice guys finish last." Whenever a man says it, I wonder what he means by nice.

Kind? Thoughtful? The man who remembers what you like and listens when you're upset? If that's the definition, I don't think women are rejecting nice men. I certainly am not.

But there's another kind of "nice" that gets complicated: the kind that starts when someone wants very badly to be liked. I've experienced it, and in the beginning it feels wonderful. He remembers something you mentioned in passing. He's interested in what interests you. You think, he really gets me.

Sometimes he does. Sometimes, though, you realize that part of what felt like compatibility was effort. A lot of it.

When Someone Wants to Be the Right Man for You 

Most of us do this a little when we like someone. We put our best foot forward and try harder. That's courtship.

But sometimes a person wants so badly to be the right match that he starts shaping himself around you. You like plants, so he's suddenly into plants. You love the outdoors, and now he's very outdoorsy. You name the qualities you want in a partner, and they appear almost overnight.

Later you realize you don't know what he likes. What would he choose if you'd never told him what you wanted? What would he do on a Saturday if he weren't trying to impress you? What does he disagree with you about?

I don't need someone to become more like me in order to like him. I'd rather know who he is.

Trying Too Hard Usually Comes From a Good Place

I don't think this is dishonesty. More often it's insecurity or loneliness, or a man who has spent years hearing that women want someone attentive and thinking, okay, I can be that.

So he listens to every problem, stays endlessly available, and avoids disagreeing because he doesn't want to ruin the connection. He may not realize how much of himself he's giving away.

Kindness isn't the problem. The problem is that when someone is constantly adjusting to keep you happy, you start to wonder whether you're seeing his kindness or his fear of losing you. In the beginning, they look very similar.

Kindness With a Person Behind It

I like a kind man. I also want a man who exists separately from me, with his own opinions, interests, and boundaries. Someone who can say, "That's not really my thing," and disagree without being rude. Someone who can introduce me to something I'd never have chosen. 

That doesn't make him less kind. To me, it makes the kindness more real. When he does something thoughtful, I know he's choosing to be thoughtful while still being himself, not handing me the answer he thinks I want.

Attraction isn't created by completing a checklist of correct behaviors. It comes from knowing someone: their humor, their odd little opinions, what excites them, what they won't bend on. You can't discover that in a person who keeps becoming whatever he thinks you want. He may be doing everything right and think, what more do I want from me?, while she feels less connected because she can't find the person underneath.

When the Effort Changes

There's a flip side. Sometimes the effort disappears once the relationship feels secure. The attentiveness fades, the gestures become rare, and the curiosity dries up.

No relationship stays in courtship mode forever, and that would be unrealistic anyway. Comfort is normal. But there's a difference between getting comfortable and realizing that many of the qualities you fell for were part of the pursuit. That leaves you asking: was that who he was, or who he thought he needed to be to win me?

I've asked myself that. I think many people have.

Then There's the Resentment

This part deserves compassion, but also honesty.

Sometimes a man gives a lot. He listens, he helps, he's there for months or years, maybe through the end of her last relationship. Somewhere along the way he starts hoping she'll see him differently. That's human. Feelings happen.

The trouble comes when kindness quietly becomes an investment, because then rejection feels like being cheated. After everything I did. After everything I listened to. I understand the disappointment. What I don't think works is turning it into the belief that she owed him something. She may not even have known there was an expectation.

That's when niceness starts keeping a tally. Real kindness doesn't need one.

You Can Be a Good Man and Still Not Be Her Man

A woman can truly think you're a good man and still not want a romantic relationship with you. She can respect you, feel safe with you, and be grateful for how you treated her, and still not feel chemistry or enough attraction.

That doesn't mean she prefers men who treat her badly. It means kindness is one quality among many that make two people right for each other. Accepting that is one of the hardest parts of dating for all of us. Sometimes we do everything sincerely and still aren't chosen. That hurts, but it doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong.

So What Is a Nice Guy?

Maybe this is where I've landed. A genuinely nice man isn't the one who never disagrees, who mirrors your interests, or who gives until you finally choose him. He's a man whose kindness belongs to him. It's there whether or not it impresses you, when he gets what he wants, and, more importantly, when he doesn't.

He can be disappointed without becoming cruel. He can hear no without rewriting everything he did as a debt. He can care about you without losing himself inside you, and he lets you know the real person from the start.

That's far more attractive to me than someone working hard to become my idea of the perfect man. I'm not interested in perfect. I'm interested in genuine.

So perhaps nice guys don't finish last after all. Maybe the ones who struggle most are those who worked so hard at being what someone else wanted that they forgot to let themselves be known.